I THINK THESE THINGS WHEN I STAY AT YOUR HOTE...

"When you get into a hotel room, you lock the door, and you know there is a secrecy, there is a luxury, there is fantasy. There is comfort. There is reassurance."

                                   - Diane von Furstenberg

(An Open Letter to Hotel Operators Everywhere)

I stay at a lot of hotel properties these days. For the most part mid-range business-travel type inns, though there are times I will go high-end, and every once in a while...dragged kicking and screaming...some down-in-the-dumps places. Not cheap; down in the dumps.

I have my favorites: The Sir Walter Raleigh in San Francisco. The Hotel Monaco in Seattle. The Park Central in New York. The Waikiki Parc in Honolulu. The Elara in Las Vegas.

I can't always afford to stay in those but when I can, I do.

For the vast majority of my travels I'm in the business places. The Doubletree. The Hilton Garden Inn. The Marriott. The Holiday Inn. That sort of thing.

And I notice stuff. Things that might not immediately jump out at some people, but have caught my eye and attention span long enough for me to register whether it's a good thing or a bad one. Mostly it relates to service and housekeeping. (Inns are there for me to use as a temporary residence, so housekeeping is of paramount importance.) But there are a few business practices that all could be addressed.

So that noted, Hospitality Folks, I Think These Things When I Stay At Your Hotel:

     - If you put a sign in the bathroom that asks me to be green and reuse towels, please remind housekeeping that the towel on the rack (or basin) shouldn't be replaced with a freshly washed one. If it's on the floor, knock yourself out.

     - Thank you for the in-room coffee maker. But is anyone else concerned with how much sugar, whitener and sweetener is wasted in those coffee service packs supplied in most hotel rooms? Just thrown away? I don't use the creamer or real sugar, yet two of each goes right into the trash every time I break open a packet for the Sweet and Low (which I don't like in the first place). Other people might use the creamer and sugar, but the S&L gets discarded. (I usually travel with a couple of packets of Truvia or Splenda, but should I really need to?) Some hotels reduce their costs by simply putting Splenda and packets in a service tray with the coffee. You ought to consider this.

     - If I am already using the shampoo bottle and Housekeeping puts another one in the bathroom, is that my souvenir? Am I authorized to take any extras they supply? (And for the housekeepers who put a second soap right next to the unopened facial bar, my wife would like you to stop. She has a cabinet full already and can't believe it when I bring more home -- if we ever open a B&B, we won't need guest supplies for the first year.) I appreciate the thought, but do I really need two bottles of lotion and conditioner when I haven't touched the ones that were in the room already?

     - I am fed up with hotel bars who charge an "Up Charge" premium without telling me -- as much as $5 -- for martinis. If I order the house vodka, is it really that much more to shake it in ice and add a couple olives? And simply putting it on my bill as if I won't notice? In all honesty, I'm going to go a bit Jack Nicholson ordering toast next time. "I'd like a vodka, rocks. Put the vodka and rocks in a shaker, shake it for a few seconds and leave out the rocks when you pour it into the glass. Add a couple olives as garnish if you please." Seriously. $5? It's a good reason for me to bypass your hotel next time I'm in town. And if you tell me about it the charge when I order, chances are I'll order a more expensive (and more profitable) brand-name vodka instead.

(At one hotel property, a national brand, even the math was cagey. The bill showed three drinks at $8 for a mathematical total of $24, but with no explanation the next line of the bill was rounded out to $36. No explanation, no reference to an up charge. $36. $4 a drink. No warning, no mention on the menu, and no comment from the server. The bartender blamed the POS system when I caught it, but it's dishonest plain and simple.)

     - Salads in cups. A salad is a salad. Don't try to confuse me with the whole "chic nouveau" thing. Unh-uh. I'm from LA. Been to New York, London, Paris, Rome, San Francisco, Sydney. It's a salad. In a cup. No. Just use a plate. All the big kids do.

(And this applies to virtually every other dish you've decided to "cute up" and charge me twice the price. Don't.)

     - Speaking of which, is it really that difficult for every hotel restaurant to have toothpicks at the host desk when I'm leaving? Yes, I like the mints, but a toothpick is probably what I need right now.

     - I like the omelette person at the breakfast spot in your hotel. I may not always use their services, but I like to have the option. And you can even "up-charge" me for the privilege.

     - I'd like to ask for it to be common practice at all hotels for the housekeeper to check the &%$#ing alarm clock to make sure it's not left on. Not only can it be a real shocker in your own room -- when you discover the previous occupant must have had a 5am flight and was up at 3 -- but in an adjacent room it's even more disturbing when even a reasonably timed 6am alarm goes on and on and on... 

     - Okay. Stay with me for this one: I check in. Give you my credit card number and approval to charge for "incidentals". I go up to my room, relax, and discover "incidentals" include the two $1 bottles of water you've placed on the desk  -- as if it's a courtesy for your guests -- with a placard telling me there's a $5 charge if I open them.

Really? Seriously.

If my $200 per night room charge isn't covering a couple of bottles of water, DON'T LEAVE THEM THERE!!!! By doing this, by planting the seed, you're calling attention -- in a negative way -- to my paying to stay with you.

A snack and drinks pay bar I get. Bottled water left on the desk as if it's a gift, but you're going to charge me if I drink them? Unh-uh. Best "spot me" or be prepared to explain why I'm not worth a couple bucks as a customer. (FYI: Hilton Garden Inn gives me the water, and they're right up the street.)

     - This is for reportedly high-end snooty bars. I don't care how elegant or exclusive you imagine yourself to be, when I come in and am prepared to pay money for a drink, it's NOT up to me to walk up to the bar and order one when I'm perfectly comfortable at my table. I've actually lost my table doing that, which makes it doubly annoying. If I'm sitting at the bar, fine. But if I'm sitting twenty feet away it's not my job to jump up and stand at the bar for ten minutes -- waiting for your bartender to slowly make his/her way down to where I am standing.

You want my money, you come to me.

     - When I pull into the valet, can they take a second to check and see if I have a passenger, and if it's a lady opening her door instead of mine? I'm far more concerned that my wife receive the courtesy than I am about myself. It's much more impressive and will be appreciated when it comes time to tip. The same thing goes for when we're leaving. Get her door, not mine. (Yes, it's sexist and old fashioned, but it's what I'm thinking.)

     - I appreciate the call ten or so minutes after I get to my room, checking to see if everything's okay. It's a nice touch.

     - In the very best hotels, housekeeping pauses for at least a few seconds after knocking before using their keys to come in. Give me a chance to reply before entering (You're not paid nearly enough to have to see me without my shirt on...or worse.)

     - And lastly, thank you for the many times you let me check in a little early. Yes, I know it's 3pm officially but the airlines don't schedule around my hotel check-in time and it's not easy killing an hour just driving around. It's appreciated.

Thank you for your attention.

Steve Barber
The Thumbnail Traveler

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